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Marriage and Relationships – Do’s And Don’ts

The Need to Feel Loved

The desire for a soulmate and longing to be in a relationship are instinctive, hardwired needs that we all have. To be loved, desired and admired with all of our imperfections and flaws, sounds so romantic, doesn’t it? Most little girls dream of becoming princesses anxiously anticipating their prince charming to sweep them off their feet with gallant behavior, good manners and financial security.  Similarly, men typically desire an appealing, sexy yet smart, funny but not obnoxious, overall well-put together woman who will make for a loving partner.  And while each side of the relationship looks into these, and many other “must haves”, often people dismiss the fact that relationships can be quite difficult and at times, make us question our reasons for participating in them. Vowing to be with someone in “good and bad, health and sickness” is easier said than done – simply check the most recent divorce rates. Many couples hit a standstill when they face difficulties and indeed, there’s no faster way to test a relationship with its carefully imagined “picture perfect” ideal than the frustrations of day-to-day life. Couples these day prefer to live together rather than tying the knot, and the reasons are many.

The Do’s And Don’ts In Relationships 

Identifying and exploring the cause of a couple’s uneasiness often brings meaningful insight into the state of the relationship. A variety of situations can present themselves:

  • Lack of communicationIt sounds like cliche but it’s true. People have expectations, sometimes realistic, often times not. When there’s not a two-way line of communication problems will arise. You don’t want to burden your loved one with the issues you’re dealing with so you keep quiet? That’s great and that may seem kind to spare your loved one the anxiety you’re experiencing only he/she may interpret your well meaning intentions as a lack of attention, withdrawal from the family unit and having trust inadequacies.
  • Dating or marrying “an ideal” – This is a definite No – No. During my clinical practice, I have had the opportunity to work with couples who have pursued relationships with unrealistic expectations of their significant other. The problem with this approach is that people are not stagnant – we don’t see them as they are when we are in love. Additionally, people don’t remain the same, they change – sometimes rapidly, sometimes more slowly. In other words we all undergo a metamorphosis with time! The prince charming from our fairy tale may actually turn into an ugly frog with time.
  • Inability to accept criticismThere’s nothing worse than when one side is consistently critical of the other but is unable to accept even the slightest feedback. Both men and women can be guilty of this behavior. The results of such persistent criticism amounts to a life of hell for the other person. Manipulation in pursuit of one sided reward, verbal and emotional abuse stemming from such behavior is a relationship killer. So by all means Do Not Do This.
  • Finances  – Although money doesn’t buy you happiness, short finances are one of the primary reasons for quarrels and fights among couples. Relationships can encounter differing situations when it comes to their financial well-being – one of the individuals not providing or trying to provide enough for the family unit or overdoing it due to fear of being poor. And while the second option seems like the better of the two evils, working hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month may improve your finances, but could also wedge a space between you and your love one. “You said you were not going to work this weekend”, ” You always have to work”, “You never have time for me”  – sound familiar? Try making the time, communicate and share your dreams, goals and inspirations. Both individuals working towards a common goal can overcome the frustrations along the way.
  • Cheating – It falls into the “Don’t Do” category. Not just the physical but also the emotional damage caused by cheating can cause self-doubt, trust issues, co-dependency issues, and the list go on. Honesty and openness although difficult is way better compared to lies and deceit.
  • Faith/ Spirituality/ Religion –  When love and passion hit, everything else seems insignificant, only to appear later like an elephant in the room. The world has become a small village yet, couples often realize that their religious or spiritual  upbringing is in strong contrast to that of their significant other. Love can and does overcome many things in life, but sometimes differing core beliefs can seem to be an insurmountable obstacle. With a willing heart however; communication, love, patience and willingness to understand the “other’s” perspective, these challenges can be resolved.

For these and more helpful suggestions, please feel free to drop us a line, follow us on Facebook and Instagram, share our comment and comment. Freedom Counseling offers assistance for individuals and couples in need of counseling. If you feel now is the right time and you’re ready, feel free to schedule your next appointment.

Are you feeling “blue” during the holidays?

christmas

How the holiday season promotes commercialism and negatively impacts our mental health.

Is it really that bad you may ask? Well, Christmas and New Year’s are just around the corner folks! We have officially rolled into the final week before Christmas. And while many people joyfully anticipate the approach of holidays, the statistics show an entirely different reality for many families in the U.S.

Not so merry after all…

By the now you have probably grown tired of the endless Christmasy commercials consistently flashing from your TV screens presenting us with perfectly wonderful families, dinners, gifts and unexpected encounters. And if that wasn’t enough, we also have social media to top it off! Just in case our moods were not already sufficiently altered with negative feelings (for more info regarding social platforms please check out my recent blog post).  What you wont see in the commercials or posts is the fact that many, and I mean many people struggle psychologically during the holidays. For instance, strained family dynamics, the stress and anxiety of financial burdens including credit card debt, and the inability to meet the expectations of others all contribute to feelings of depression and negativity.

What can you do about it?

Set realistic expectations of yourself – This one is specifically for you perfectionists!  The world is not going to end if your house is not decorated as shown on Pinterest or Instagram. As long as you feel comfortable and at peace in the comfort of your home you should be able to enjoy the holidays. After all, it’s the people, not things that matter most, right?

Set realistic expectations for others – I know this is a tough one. What will people say if you don’t shower with them with expensive gifts? Well, do you want to go into debt over the anxiety of saying “No” to others? Feeling disliked and rejected is not pleasant, but the reality is that those who truly love you will love you no matter what. Set a firm budget, and only buy what you can afford. And if a family member is giving you a list of presents they want, you can give it back to them carefully revised to be within budget!

Don’t compare yourself to others – This applies to every aspect of life, not just the holidays. It is almost as an automatic thought process. It can be challenging to witness how others seem “to have it all” while you’re barely making ends meet. So I say it again, do not compare your life to others. Remind yourself that you’re at a different stage in your life; your path is your own, and your timing is different than theirs.

Take care of yourself – Bubble baths are a nice options but I have something different in mind. What does your soul need most? What brings you inner fulfillment and contentment? Reading, walk with your pups, chat with a long distance friend, see your grandchildren, whatever makes you happy, do more of it. This will not only alleviate your stress, but will also center you and remind you of the more important things in life.

Double down on your appointments with your therapist – if the holidays are negatively impacting your mood, and you sense that your depression is worsening, be sure to seek professional help. Remember, your mental health is important and is not “a phase that will pass”. Mental health is real and has a significant impact on individuals’ day-to-day life as well as their relationships, aspirations and general life goals.

How are the holidays affecting your mood? Feel free to share and comment!

And if you feel you may benefit from therapy, Freedom Counseling LLC would be happy to assist.

Merry Christmas!!

Find your joy during this holiday season!